I got stuck mid-week. I was at a point where I had processed my feelings about my mom but I didn’t know where to go from there. Is forgiveness the next step on the road to healing? I’m not sure it’s necessary as I don’t harbor ill will towards her. I don’t really know how to forgive. Maybe I already have without a conscious effort. Forgiveness is a problem for me regardless of whether it’s necessary in this instance. There are a lot of other things in my life that I need to forgive because I’m holding on tightly to the hurt.
I had a therapy appointment yesterday afternoon. We talked about the progress I’ve made with this issue and how it relates to so much of my life. Many people have hurt me in much the same way, it’s kind of a theme. And I don’t trust because of it. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. My therapist classifies it as a fear of abandonment. I’m not sure I feel that abandonment is the right word, maybe rejection is more accurate, but our time was up. She asked me to think about how I deal with this fear and how I should deal with it.
I know that I deal with it by typically leaving people before they can leave me. In more recent years, I simply don’t let people get close to begin with. I have a constant fear that my expectations will never be met, that people will always let me down. And so often, that’s exactly what happens.
It’s finally becoming clear that most of the problems in my marriage are mine. I fought to leave my husband for the first three years but I didn’t really have anywhere to go and he held on tight. I’m so grateful that he did. I still have my problems, and I still start a lot of fights, but it’s the only relationship in my life with any security. And yet, I fear if I was 100% honest with him, that he would leave. And I would deserve it.
I wish I was still at the lake! We had some minor issues with the cottage we rented (the floor had some tricky soft spots and the road down was super steep) but it was still a great value for the price. The best part was walking right down half a flight of stairs and out the walkway onto the dock. One of my nephews spent all week with us and his brother and my sister and her husband were also with us the other five days. Various other family members came up to the lake on different days to hang out and swim and we had so much fun with everyone. We only went out to eat once and cooked the rest of our dinners and had sandwiches for lunches between swims. The boys all got to do lots of fishing and tricks off the diving boards too. I got a bit of a sunburn and my tan looks odd since I didn’t lay out at all and it’s just the top side of my arms, shoulders, and face. The underside of my arms are still pale. I only had one really bad day mentally and I ended up isolating myself most of that day. I just can’t handle that much stimulus for an extended period I think. I’m used to a lot of privacy and time alone and peace and quiet. That day it was five adults and five kids and I had woken up feeling off to begin with. Overall, I think I handled it pretty well. I also didn’t overeat and my blood pressure stayed down most of the trip. I’m further convinced my blood pressure is lower when I get more activity. I also met another half-sister that I hadn’t met previously. It was only because we ran into her and her husband the one night that we did go out. She probably thought I was a little rude. Honestly, she’s had so many opportunities to meet me and has said she was coming but never shows up so I just don’t have any emotional investment. I didn’t say anything rude, she probably just expected more enthusiasm. Once she got into a conversation with my sister, I sort of tuned out. She’s not the only one I haven’t met and it’s okay. I drive all the way down there, my sister invites them over, they don’t show. I’m happy to have the relationships that I do have with my sister and a couple of my half-sisters. Well, time to finish up some work so I can get back on track!