One of my new office mates that I know I’m cool with is out yesterday and today. The other, who I knew would be a small issue, is working my nerves already. She talks to herself all day long and then sometimes she actually expects me to answer instead of answering herself. I can’t tell the difference, she uses the same voice for everything. It takes her 5 minutes to say something that might take anyone else 1 minute because she has to stare at the ceiling in deep thought between her words. And then rephrase what she said just to make sure. The extra phone lines have not been moved yet and she kept picking up the phone while I was on it earlier trying to get someone to come give us some help mapping networks. She also tends to take advantage of anyone she can to do grunt work for her. I was warned about that when I took this job and, so far, have managed to stick to my own work. I will have to set the precedent all over again now that we’re sharing space. I don’t mind helping a coworker at all but she is the type who will ask you to sharpen her pencils for her (fortunately that happened to someone other than me). I think we’ll be fine once we settle in, it’s just a trying week here.

Unfortunately all of this has made me grumpy and I’m being snappy with friends instead of supportive. I usually am just honest with them but I don’t feel like I can be when I feel this way because I have a tendency to be more mean than honest. I just don’t have the energy to deal sometimes. I know, I’m a horrible friend. I try to be as supportive as I can but I often feel like I give more than I get and then I get tired of trying so hard. This is why I have so few friends now. And I avoid making new ones. I know I don’t have the capacity to be a good friend right now, I can’t even take care of myself. Most days I am just too worn down to care about myself so extending that to others just isn’t possible right now. I hope it will be someday though.

I’m looking forward to therapy Thursday. Not that it will be a necessarily positive session but a needed one. Truly, I probably need to go much more often than I do. The two nightmares I posted on here have been the absolute worst but it seems I’m having smaller scale nightmares most nights now and I’m exhausted. When I’m exhausted, I eat more and get even grumpier. I’m more emotional and snap easier. Like I just did with a friend on email. I read what he said and anger and disgust just overwhelmed me. I lashed out and hit send without thinking twice. Granted, when I feel this way, it often takes me hours to think twice.


Nightmares, Part II

My sister was in labor and we’re sitting in a waiting room and they put something over my head to knock me out. When I come to she’s gone and they tell me she was ready but I wasn’t so I go through the door looking for her. It’s mostly dark in the room and there’s a line of beds filled with girls. I see her and she sits up and she looks weird to me and she hands me this baby that’s almost like a toddler. I give it back to her and she says something cryptic to me but I can’t remember it. It was that they had done something to her or the baby or both and watch out for them or find out what. The next thing I remember I’m in the parking lot going from one nurse to another and none of them will give me answers. I go back inside looking for my sister again but the beds are empty now and I come to a metal door with a glass window in it. My parents are on the other side and won’t give me answers and I’m trying to break the glass with a hammer. My dad swings back with an ax from the other side and it comes through the window and suddenly my sister who hadn’t been there a second before says “now look what you did, you got your dogs throat slit” and I turn to look and my dog had jumped up and the ax had slit her across the throat except she didn’t seem to be bleeding much. Next thing I know I’m on the floor trying to hold her and wanting to call the vet and I can’t figure out how to do both. I woke up then.

I sent my husband a text because he was in the living room with his headset on. I broke down crying about the time he opened the bedroom door. I don’t know since the dream was so unreal but I cried hard for a good long time. My husband just held me. When I could finally breathe again he brought me tissues, klonopin and ginger ale. I was still so disturbed that I curled up on the couch with him and stayed up for a few hours before managing a nap until my alarm went off for work.

Nightmares, Part I

The week before last I had a very troubling nightmare. I’ve been trying to put it out of my mind ever since. Last night I had another, even more disturbing nightmare. This is the first of the two.

I was home alone, in a small house on the beach but laid out much like our current one. It was completely dark outside. I hear teenage girls chanting on the beach and it sounds like they’re saying “hey norton, we’re waiting on a murder charge” over and over. My first thought is that they’re on their way to some kind of protest. Then suddenly there’s a small group of them chanting this right outside my patio door and I realize it’s meant for me and I pull the curtain closed real quick. They move to the other side to another door and as I pull that curtain closed there’s a camera flash and I see one girl’s face. There’s a gap in the curtain and her face is pressed against the door now and I yell “I’ll get my gun” and they change their chant to “bite the bullet, you’ll get the bullet” over and over. I run from the room and that’s when I wake up.

I wake up breathing hard and remembering every detail vividly and still haunted by the chanting. It was hours before I went back to sleep and even the next day my memory of the nightmare was clear as it could be.