Closing the Door

I made the decision to follow through on the letter to my father and I wrote it exactly as planned. It was fairly short, simple, to the point. No wiggle room left for him to squeeze back into my life. I have to hope that when my nephew is older he will reach out to me or that I can reach him through his father. I will hold out hope that he will understand what happened and why I couldn’t fight harder for him. I hope more than anything that he can forgive me and let me be a part of his life someday.

It feels very odd knowing that I will never see or speak to my father again. It’s as if he has passed but with no memorial. It may always be that way. I suspect my sister may not notify me when he does pass. This is how it has to be though and I need to find a way to accept it and let go.

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Two Weeks

It’s been two weeks since I’ve written. I’ve been stressed out over a situation with my family that has simply consumed me. My father, who I had not spoken to for 7 months, called my husband and wanted to meet for lunch on his way through town over Thanksgiving. He was supposed to be bringing my nephew to his other grandparents. I can’t fix things with my father or my sister but after speaking with my therapist I had decided that I could try to manage a cordial relationship in order to have my nephew in my life and be a part of his. Apparently my father planned all of this behind my sister’s back though. He had sent me a birthday/Christmas wishlist from my nephew but I could afford almost none of the items on it. I emailed my sister some ideas looking for help. This is what I received in return: I would appreciate you not contacting me again. I do not want you involved in xxxxx’s life on any level. He will not be seeing you at Thanksgiving or Christmas and anything sent to the house will be returned to sender.

It doesn’t matter that last time we spoke and fought I was doing her a favor. It doesn’t matter that she’s the one who assaulted me that day. It doesn’t matter that she sent me two casual messages on Facebook after that as if nothing had happened. Now she has decided that I’m evil I guess. It’s always been about control for her. She controls the situation regardless of the circumstances. She controls my access to my nephew. I’m keeping that email in hopes that someday my nephew will understand I didn’t choose not to be in his life.

As devastated as I have been after receiving the email, I’m also extremely angry. I’m angry at my father for setting both me and my nephew up to get hurt again. I feel almost as if he used my nephew to manipulate me into speaking to him. I’m angry at my sister for being batsh*t crazy. I’m angry at my parents for making her this way. I’m angry at myself for not filing assault charges back in March.

I know it’s too soon and I’m too emotional to make a final decision on how to handle this. My gut reaction was to find a way to retaliate. To drive down there and file the assault charges, to call child protective services (I have before, completely warranted at the time but not now), to find a way to hurt her. The problem is, I know it won’t help. It won’t change anything. And I’m the type of person who would just feel guilty later and try to repent to her and start this vicious cycle all over again. I have to resist retaliation because I will only hurt myself in the end.

I do need to get this out of my life though. The one thing I am considering at this point is to mail my father a letter (they all live together). What I want is to include a copy of her email, an explanation of what happened and why I’m doing what I’m doing. I want to include my email address and ask him to give it to my nephew for when he gets older (he will be 10 in a month). I’m afraid once my father passes that my nephew would not have a way to find me. I know if my sister were to move that I would have no way of finding him. And I want to ask my father to cease calling my husband. All his calls have done is upset me every time, stir up drama, and allow him to know I’m okay. I don’t feel he has any right to know about my life anymore. And, yes, part of me wants him to feel even a tenth of the pain he has caused me.