Little Earthquakes

On Tuesday I was talking about how I lashed out at a friend over email. Well his next email was worse, it felt like a personal attack on one hand but also a prime example of what I have been telling him I don’t like about our friendship on the other. I gave myself over two hours before I responded. And then I was brutally honest with my thoughts. I’ve felt for over 6 months that this friendship was coming to an end and I was ready to be done. We’ve both changed and in very different directions. I’ve even told him several times over the last few months how I felt and I didn’t know why we were still friends. That sounds harsh but I said it a little bit nicer. My brutal honestly made up for months of putting everything as nicely as possible. He chose to take something very personal and throw it back in my face. It confirmed to me that I was doing the right thing. I think I only held on so long because I don’t have very many friends and he is one of only two that I knew prior to my mother dying. I have to quit holding on to the past. It’s not like he ever even met her and we weren’t close yet when she died. He made a point then of dropping off a deli tray but only when he knew that no one would be there. I think I still resent that, that he couldn’t show more support than that. The other thing I really resent was a big letdown. We had just moved back and were staying an hour and a half from here but I had finally found a job here and he said I could sleep on his couch until I had the money to get an apartment. Then the day before I am to begin work, he calls and says I can’t stay there the first few nights because he has other company. I lost my trust then and I bounced around for a couple weeks before finding a room to sublet. He never could understand why it bothered me so much. The last few years we’ve seen each other less and less. He’s only met my husband twice in the 7 years we’ve been together. I finally realized that regardless of having been friends for that long, it wasn’t a healthy relationship. Sometimes it was even toxic. I can’t say that I don’t feel a void in my life but I don’t miss him either. I just miss having more people to talk to I think.

I talked to my therapist at yesterday’s appointment and she said something that really resonated with me. I’m going through a lot of changing and growing and it’s a lot like an earthquake. Things like this will happen the same way tremors and aftershocks happen. I have to be prepared for it and make my choices thoughtfully so that I don’t do something I regret. I’m glad I took a couple of hours to make such a big decision and I don’t regret it.

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