It occurred to me this morning finally that the reason I have such a problem with my father now is because it’s the exact same thing I’ve been struggling with my whole life. I wrote about my mom but not really in any detail. I’m not sure yet how much I want to put out here. The short story is that I craved her attention my whole life but she was busy with my sister. My grandmother was in the picture and she was a good substitute for my mother in the early years but not so much as we both grew older and further apart. I never felt like my mom was there for me until my grandmother died. It was only six months later that my mom died. Suddenly my father became the stubborn, selfish child in the relationship because he just fell apart. He and my sister have become codependent. He repeatedly chooses her over me and he says it’s because she has a son and I have no children. I don’t resent my nephew but I do resent my father and my sister. I feel like I’ve been pushed aside my whole life. And sure, I could fight back, I could stand up and say I’m deserving too. Except, well, am I? I truly have no evidence of that. And furthermore, I don’t want to be anywhere I’m not wanted. It just seems the places I’m wanted are few and far between. So, yes, I am finally understanding why my self-esteem is in the toilet. I know logically that it does not necessarily belong there but I simply don’t know how to salvage it right now.
Last Tuesday was my father’s 75th birthday. It was a milestone and I feel sorry that I couldn’t be a part of it. I imagine him feeling sorry for himself because his niece may have called but no one else would have taken notice. My sister doesn’t even buy cards. I thought about mailing him a card but I couldn’t decide so I put it off until it was too late. I know his birthday is difficult for him because it was also his anniversary with my mother. And yet, maybe it’s healthy that I didn’t put his needs before mine. It’s been six months since we’ve spoken. He sent a couple short letters and I replied but he’s quit. He hasn’t even called my husband in at least a month. I guess he’s let go now. I’m sad that he’s let go and yet I don’t miss him. I realize that I probably don’t miss him because we had such a poor relationship anyway. It’s less stressful not to hear from him. I guess a part of me had hoped that he would miss me though.