Alone or Lonely

I was making wonderful progress exploring the issues and coming to new realizations. Then, suddenly, another issue in my life reared it’s ugly head. While I recovered in the short-term, it seems I’m not getting back to the progress I was making. I’m hoping working through the other issue some will help me get back to that.

So what happened? Basically I spent most of Sunday afternoon/evening fighting with my husband. Not physically, just verbally. It often starts with some type of miscommunication which doesn’t always lead to an argument. But it’s like we can be face-to-face and we’re speaking two completely different languages. He came inside and asked me a question. One that didn’t make any sense. I asked him to clarify a couple of times and still it didn’t make any sense. It sounded like a really stupid question to me (I know, I know). I became a smart-a$$. It evolved into yelling. And then I became what I would consider to be verbally abusive. I cussed him. I put him down. I said the kinds of things that I would never allow anyone to say to me. And yet, he shuts down. He acts like he does not care other than to tell me I’m wrong. And as usual, in the end, I am explaining all of my bottled up anger and resentment towards him. Explaining that it’s not about this conversation, it’s about the last 6 years. Trying to tell him what I so desperately need from him to try to continue our marriage. And when he continues to act like he does not care, I am the one who suggests a resolution and has to ask over and over if he’s okay with trying to meet me halfway to fix our marriage. And he still wonders why I think he is married to me simply to avoid being alone. Meanwhile, I’m just lonely.

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