I wanted to write before today but I just had so much going on in my head that I couldn’t make sense of it. I had an appointment with my psychologist this morning and it was tough but it was great. It’s only been four sessions with this new one and I can tell we are going to make so much progress. Her approach is so much better suited to me! We talked about the things in my last post. She doesn’t know about the blog but she encourages me to journal. Those (things from my last post) were still the primary things on my mind and I was getting stuck. She helped me make more realizations and connections and start processing it. I was looking at my childhood and my grief (for my mother) as two separate things. Today we put them together. Accepting the past for what it was and feeling everything both negative and positive are essential to moving on and to grieving. They are part of the process. Putting my mother on a pedestal and refusing to have a negative thought about her prevented me from feeling anything but loss. Just because there were some negative things does not mean she was a bad mother. It does not mean that I did not love and respect her. It means she was human. And I am starting to understand a lot of the things she did and the way she treated me. It wasn’t always right, but none of us ever is all of the time.
We then connected how I feel about my childhood directly to how I feel about myself today and the struggles I face. Whoa! It seems so obvious now but I was clueless. And, as my therapist says, it will be a long hard road, but I can turn things around. I can still heal and change my future.
So this was meant to be a weight loss blog. And it still is, really! My problem has always been that I binge eat and emotionally eat to stuff my feelings down. Part of the problem is I couldn’t deal with the feelings but a large part of that was that I didn’t understand what I was feeling. It was like walking under a waterfall and having no idea where the water was coming from. Now I know. Look up! So I will. I will look up to heaven and I will look up to God and I will face the truth so that I can heal. And someday I will realize that I’m no longer under the waterfall. And throughout this process, dealing with my feelings will allow me to quit the compulsive eating altogether. It won’t happen overnight but it will happen. In the meantime, I will try to feed my body the best I can and take care of it.