I mention family a lot here and it may be confusing sometimes. I grew up with my adoptive mother and father and my biological twin sister. We knew we were adopted from a very young age and it was a private adoption so we knew a lot of details. My father sent letters to our biological mother throughout our life (although no one knew this until later). When I was 16 I had one of many fights with my father where he said “you should be grateful because of how you should have grown up.” That didn’t sit well with a rebellious teenager and my response was “show me.” We met our biological mother and full older sister that year. It was awkward and not much was said and we met at the house of a mutual friend so it didn’t really accomplish anything.

A few years ago the same sister contacted me on Facebook and we started talking. I visited a couple times and started getting to know her and her husband and children. There were several others around as they all live close by. Our mother and father live in the first house on the road and they would come down to her house for meals. Various half-sisters and half-brothers and nieces and nephews and their families would be there on different trips. One older half-sister and her husband I am particularly fond of. I’ve only met my full brother once since he was in jail before that and has taken off since then. There are a few siblings I haven’t met.

My eldest half-sister is the only one who does not live in the south with the rest of my family. She lives just 2 hours from me. I met her for the first time a few months ago and then she came to the house with 2 of her daughters a couple of weeks ago. She is the emotional one and also did not grow up with the rest of them. While we bonded over that, parts of her personality rub me the wrong way now and then. That’s true of everyone I guess.

My full sister and I haven’t been able to agree on exactly where to vacation next summer and last time we discussed it online she disappeared. It was the first time she ended a conversation without a “love ya” and I haven’t heard from her since.

I have had toxic relationships with my adoptive father and twin sister since my adoptive mother died over 10 years ago. I finally accepted that it was out of control back in March when a fight turned physical so I have not spoken to either of them in five months now.

All of this background information is to explain a common theme I will write about from time to time. I struggle with these relationships. Especially with the family who I’ve only known a couple of years or less. I try to keep my expectations in check but it’s easy to get hurt. I struggle with how much of myself to put out there and give. I don’t have a history with them and I don’t live close enough to be very involved now so they don’t really feel like family. At the same time, I have ALWAYS wanted to be part of a larger family.

And there’s the guilt that comes with feeling like I’m trying to replace what I grew up with. That’s absolutely not true of my parents although I know my mom feared it and I can only hope and pray that she would understand now. It sometimes feels true with my twin sister because we’ve never been close like I wanted to be and she has hurt me so much over the years.

Well I feel like this was kind of all over the place but I guess I’m still making sense of it myself.


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