The Crazies

Before I dive in here, I should say that last night actually went very well. I guzzled water all the way home and made my smoothie immediately when I got there.

I was wondering yesterday if my good mood was just looking forward to vacation or if I was slightly manic. It wasn’t severe so I decided to just keep an eye on it and move on. No change when I went to bed. I woke up this morning angry and agitated. It eased into frustration and forgetfulness. Back the other way to a super good mood and my commute starting with a sing a long. Next thing I know I’m crying, my heart is racing, my head is spinning, I’m anxious and I’m shaking. I was still in a pretty good mood while all of this is happening. (This was all just during my commute.) Since getting to work the good mood has mostly subsided and left me disoriented and all of those other things. I had taken a klonopin trying to take the edge off and it wasn’t making any difference at all. After a major crying meltdown in the bathroom, I took 2 more, my coworkers cannot see this version of me. It has taken forever to make a difference but I’m finally somewhat calmed. However, my heart is still racy (anxiety), I cannot think straight, I’m somewhat disoriented, jumpy and a little teary. I want to crawl out of my own skin so bad it hurts. I am terrified at what this could do to our vacation. It may be a week at the lake with family, but I haven’t had a real vacation since I was about 15, it’s a pretty big deal.  I don’t know what to do right now. I’ve had several moments where I absolutely feel like I need to go to the ER but of course I don’t want to and that could lead to all kinds of complications that are worse. My psychiatrist didn’t have much of anything to offer me beyond that vacation should help and watch my blood pressure. Well, yeah, my blood pressure is up. It’s been up for years. I’m on the 4th variation of medications and it’s still up. Doesn’t sound like much of a trigger to me if nothing has changed. Her response did nothing but irritate me for not having anything helpful in it and make me feel overwhelmed and helpless because she’s the person I count on to help with this stuff.

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