I was simply too exhausted and emotional to come back and post more yesterday. I’m just going to put it all out there since I’m probably still totally anonymous here. Saturday my husband had said something about the reason he wasn’t ready for kids being primarily due to my mental health and feeling like the burden would fall to him to take care of everyone. Saturday night when I woke up to the explosion and went out in the hall to ask him what happened he talked to me like a dog (except he’s actually much nicer to dogs). Then Sunday night he said something about the garden and how I wasn’t doing enough. (Faucet has been broken and I can’t lift the water bucket, in my defense). It evolved into nearly three hours of him complaining about my failures, primarily in terms of physical and mental health. He has this mindset that you can just decide you’re going to do something and then just do it and that’s that. He doesn’t understand the mental health issues that I’m dealing with. I’ve tried explaining to him how hard it is to get past the excuses and bad attitude and binge eating when I hold the core belief that I don’t deserve to be happy, therefore I don’t deserve to succeed and I don’t deserve to be healthy. At least I see the problem, but I simply don’t know how to fix it on my own. I felt like I was getting no credit for having been on medication and in therapy since before we even met. Another problem is that I still hold this belief that he would have ended up marrying whatever woman walked into his life when I did. He was divorced and depressed at the time. We married for the wrong reasons (a whole other story), and there was no proposal. I believe I actually brought it up first and he just kind of agreed. I’m getting off track. Basically, he made me feel beyond worthless just poking at my failures for hours. No one has ever hurt me so much in my life and I’m having a really hard time getting past it. I’m fighting myself between wanting to fight to fix things for him and wanting to just shut down.
In better news, I will begin with a new therapist on July 31st. It’s a little bit of a wait (mostly my fault because of vacation and lasik being scheduled) but she comes very highly recommended.