Brutal honesty, here it is: I don’t expect to lose much weight and I am incredibly overwhelmed. Like I mentioned two days ago, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t really understand why my self-esteem is so low but I’m hoping a new therapist can help me get to the bottom of it and fix things. In the meantime, I feel like I’m destined for failure again. I tell myself every single day that today will be the day I eat right and today will be the day I work out. I already screwed up today with chips. I’m sure that won’t be the last of it. My only hope going forward is to not keep any extra food in the house or any trigger foods at all. I know they’re not the best nutrition but I’ll be sticking with frozen meals for dinner. That way if I want to eat more, I have to first accept that I won’t have food on another night and hopefully it won’t be too hard to say no since they don’t taste all that great anyway.
The one thing everyone tells me is the game changer is having an epiphany. A moment where something happens and you suddenly realize what you weigh and how it’s affecting you. Friends have said “you won’t want this bad enough until that happens”. What they fail to understand is that it has happened. It’s happened more than once. I desperately want to lose the weight. I am physically miserable. I am in pain 24/7. I have had both embarrassing and heartbreaking experiences because of my weight. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be enough to overcome both the physical and mental barriers currently standing in my way.
Writing this makes me realize that I have to start with figuring out what all of those barriers are and breaking through them. Maybe I shouldn’t expect to lose weight until that happens. Is it crazy to think that maybe I shouldn’t be so focused on losing weight? Maybe my focus right now should be on these barriers and getting through them one at a time. I still feel like I need to develop healthy habits in the meantime. I can’t just continue to be sedentary and binge eat. And yet, as simple as that sounds, it feels overwhelming. And it hurts that I don’t feel like anyone around me can understand. My husband doesn’t even understand. It’s not that I’m lazy. I’m physically in a lot of pain. Part of it is purely from fluid retention and my blood pressure. It’s like every part of my body is swollen with fluid and my skin is pulled tight so that it feels dry and hot and burns. My back feels like it’s broken, as if it’s literally crumbling. It’s gotten severe enough that I no longer believe my back pain is from the weight alone. Maybe an injury caused from the weight, but I do believe there’s more to it. I have lab work next week and back to the doctor the week after that. But I know this isn’t something we can turn around quickly. I’ve been on various blood pressure medications for well over a year now and not one of them has even nudged it downward.
I want to help myself, I do so badly. But I guess I feel like it’s more than I can take on alone and I can’t seem to get the kind of help I need.