What was I thinking?

Apparently I get an idea, run with it, and then ignore it for 4 months. Reading my last 2 posts, I feel like I must have been manic. Catching up! I went through some crazy family drama. My father and sister are no longer part of my life. It’s been 3 months and I feel a little bad about this but I don’t miss them. My dad doesn’t even bother attempting to contact me so I guess they don’t miss me either. Fortunately I still have my biological family that I am close to even if I’ve only known them a couple years now. Several friends went through cancer scares and surgery to remove tumors. All are recovering now and prognosis is good. Mental health didn’t remain so stable. I had one huge breakdown followed by a couple weeks of depressions, a new failed antidepressant and am now on a lose dose of a mood stabilizer and no antidepressant. It seems to be helping but I have a long way to go. I’m back to functioning though. I might be able to get Lasik in a few weeks so I am excited about that and vacation is in one month so I am really excited about that! Of course, always the pessimist, I am dreading the time after vacation when I feel like I will have nothing to look forward to. My weight has not changed, I am struggling just to maintain. It seems like no matter how well I plan, I can’t stop binge eating. Now, these binges aren’t as bad as they used to be, but they’re still a huge problem as I cannot lose weight with this happening. I am looking for a new therapist to help me get to the root of this. Many people say you cannot lose weight until you are truly doing it for you and that’s my problem. I do want to be healthier and I do want to feel and look better. BUT down deep, I don’t necessarily feel like I deserve it. I never do anything for myself. I have the worst self-esteem you can imagine. I’m truly hoping a new therapist can help me work through it and change that. You might notice some themes in the days to come. I’m going to try focusing on different topics to help me keep writing.

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One thought on “What was I thinking?

  1. Hi Jenn, I’m here and still rooting you on 🙂 good luck with the next 8 weeks. Believe me I know how you feel with everything you wrote about here. I think a new therapist is a good plan. Yes, you do have to do this for you. I also know about not feeling deserving. When I first started my big goal for myself was to just walk at least 30 mins a day, everyday. It killed me at first but each day I kept going and making more days in a row and the easier it became not to stop. You can do this just know you are worth it. *hugs*

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