Funky Friday

What a long strange week it’s been! The ups and downs have been exhausting. It appears I am probably going grocery shopping after work which is exciting because for several Fridays in a row, I’ve had too much swelling to go walk and have headed straight home to the recliner. (I know, I lead an exciting life.)

We had a staff meeting at work today that was a little more intense than usual. Some new policies were put in place but they’re things I already do so it won’t affect me much. Then we were told we’re as much at risk as everyone else for the layoffs coming this fall. It makes me anxious but I’ve already made my peace with it and my plan for if it happens.

Not much to look forward to this weekend. My husband will be working on the cars. The temperature will be 100+ so we won’t get out much. Okay, so the only thing I am looking forward to is not having to come to work. I guess I need to get some movies to watch. Maybe I will finally get some things moved around in the house but I’m not getting my hopes up.

Hope you all have a more exciting weekend planned!

Where did it go?

My motivation. I lost it. I was feeling great on Monday, maybe slightly manic but I’m okay with that. Tuesday was crazy as I only worked a half day, planned to leave for 2 hours but never made it back to work. Chauffeured my husband for a few hours though and at least it was productive. But then I was starving. By the time I could get food, it had also turned into an upset stomach. I headed for home. Once recovered, I was a binging couch potato all evening. Wednesday I came in early, didn’t have lunch with me, left at 2:30 to get blood drawn. I hit the dollar menu on the way home (not sure if that’s better than getting sick). My evening was a repeat of Tuesday with one curve ball. I’m watching tv and pretty suddenly get super emotional and have myself a mini-meltdown. But it wouldn’t just stop and be over. I wasn’t crying, but it was that feeling before you cry combined with serious anxiety, although not a panic attack. It took 3 klonopin and over 2 hours before I managed to go to bed. Today I started out feeling a little better although nothing compared to Monday. About mid-morning I just started feeling exhausted and I have not been able to kick the feeling. I would say I just need to get back on track but I’ve never really been on track. I am SO frustrated. I spend hours meal planning, it’s become an obsession. I try to find the right balance of calories, carbs, fat and protein for each day while controlling sodium. You would think I could stick to it. It seems that no matter how many healthy snacks I schedule, how many calories I get during the work day, I am always ravenous after leaving work. And no matter how much food I scarf down immediately, either on the way home or shortly after getting home, I will continue to feel hunger and eat until at least 8pm. 3 hours! That’s a lot of calories! I don’t have any idea where to go from here.

Motivation Monday

Talk about perfect timing! I managed to wash and dry my Fitbit the week before last and couldn’t salvage it. Fitbit was so awesome that they sent me a brand new one at no cost. It also means I now have the ultra instead of the original model. It arrived on Friday and we were a little busy so I charged it Saturday but didn’t sync it until Sunday. I put it on before bed so I could start out with a full day’s data (it runs midnight to midnight). First bathroom break of the workday and I decided to use the one upstairs instead of the one down the hall. I’m pretty proud of myself, I’m the person who always takes the elevator and I didn’t this time. I’m hoping to make that my new routine if I can keep feeling well enough. Also hoping the extra activity throughout the day will help keep down the swelling that has been making me miserable at work.

So why am I starting to feel better? My blood pressure was still pretty high Saturday and the swelling was still uncomfortable although I moved more often and elevated my legs a lot more. It wasn’t as painful as when I sit at work all day. Well, that kind of tipped me off that being sedentary at work is having a major effect on me. My psychiatrist also doubled the dose of my mood stabilizer last Thursday. Now, I am still on a baby dose but I noticed when I first started it that I had more mood swings (some bad but quite a few good too) the first week or so. I’m hoping today is not purely just a good mood swing. On Saturday I also purchased some Coromega Heart. I’ve taken omega-3 before and felt better but I always quit because it was so gross. I can’t swallow pills so I was basically taking shots of lemon and fish flavored oil. No bueno. SMH. The Coromega comes in packets that you squeeze into your mouth. It’s orange flavored, tangy, and a little thick. Imagine a bunch of it would make a great base for a smoothie (but don’t go overdosing!). Anyway, I was really pleasantly surprised. This stuff is good, no fishy taste or smell whatsoever. It tastes good and it’s super convenient. It’s the first time I have taken anything with CoQ10 in it so we will see. I will be watching how I feel and tracking my blood pressure.

Overall, I feel pretty good today so far (it is only 11am). I just need to really work on staying this motivated so I can see some results.

Hope you all are feeling as good!

Finally Friday

And I am almost done with work for the week. It’s been a long week and I am so happy to get out of here! My husband will be gone tomorrow so I will have myself a girl’s day in and get quality time with him on Sunday.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we are working on finding me a new therapist and adjusting my medication. Looking for a new therapist can be overwhelming! I looked at the provider list from my insurance and it has over 200 names and no information except the basics. I wish there was somewhere you could look them up to see what each person specializes in and something about their style/techniques. All I know at this point is what I don’t want and that’s not very helpful.

My blood pressure has been extra high this week so I’m reworking my meal plan to try to cut sodium out next week and it’s really hard. I love salt. Crave it even. And I truly am not a big fan of sweets. I enjoy them in small doses here and there.

Well, I sure hope everyone has a great weekend!

Truthful Thursday

Brutal honesty, here it is: I don’t expect to lose much weight and I am incredibly overwhelmed. Like I mentioned two days ago, I don’t feel like I deserve it. I don’t really understand why my self-esteem is so low but I’m hoping a new therapist can help me get to the bottom of it and fix things. In the meantime, I feel like I’m destined for failure again. I tell myself every single day that today will be the day I eat right and today will be the day I work out. I already screwed up today with chips. I’m sure that won’t be the last of it. My only hope going forward is to not keep any extra food in the house or any trigger foods at all. I know they’re not the best nutrition but I’ll be sticking with frozen meals for dinner. That way if I want to eat more, I have to first accept that I won’t have food on another night and hopefully it won’t be too hard to say no since they don’t taste all that great anyway.

The one thing everyone tells me is the game changer is having an epiphany. A moment where something happens and you suddenly realize what you weigh and how it’s affecting you. Friends have said “you won’t want this bad enough until that happens”. What they fail to understand is that it has happened. It’s happened more than once. I desperately want to lose the weight. I am physically miserable. I am in pain 24/7. I have had both embarrassing and heartbreaking experiences because of my weight. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be enough to overcome both the physical and mental barriers currently standing in my way.

Writing this makes me realize that I have to start with figuring out what all of those barriers are and breaking through them. Maybe I shouldn’t expect to lose weight until that happens. Is it crazy to think that maybe I shouldn’t be so focused on losing weight? Maybe my focus right now should be on these barriers and getting through them one at a time. I still feel like I need to develop healthy habits in the meantime. I can’t just continue to be sedentary and binge eat. And yet, as simple as that sounds, it feels overwhelming. And it hurts that I don’t feel like anyone around me can understand. My husband doesn’t even understand. It’s not that I’m lazy. I’m physically in a lot of pain. Part of it is purely from fluid retention and my blood pressure. It’s like every part of my body is swollen with fluid and my skin is pulled tight so that it feels dry and hot and burns. My back feels like it’s broken, as if it’s literally crumbling. It’s gotten severe enough that I no longer believe my back pain is from the weight alone. Maybe an injury caused from the weight, but I do believe there’s more to it. I have lab work next week and back to the doctor the week after that. But I know this isn’t something we can turn around quickly. I’ve been on various blood pressure medications for well over a year now and not one of them has even nudged it downward.

I want to help myself, I do so badly. But I guess I feel like it’s more than I can take on alone and I can’t seem to get the kind of help I need.

Weight Loss Wednesday

Well I obviously don’t have a loss to report since I just came back. This week is baseline. I have taken the time to set up some new goals though and thinking through them helped me realize this doesn’t have to be so difficult. Goal #1 is to work out at least 15 minutes, 5 days per week. Now that may sound like nothing to you, but I’ve been doing almost nothing. My blood pressure is so high that I don’t even feel like walking to my car after work (yes, I’m seeing a doctor about it). Maintaining this will help me get into a routine. I also want to vary my workouts to prevent boredom and give me options for days when I feel better or worse. My options right now include a dance game for xbox, a yoga video, a treadmill, free weights, floor exercises and longer walks with our dog. Goal #2 is to binge eat no more than 2 times per week. Okay this is probably nothing to you guys out there but it’s a huge issue for me. Right now I probably binge eat 3-5 times a week. There are days when I get home and start eating and don’t stop until I get in bed. If I can meet both of these goals for 8 weeks, my husband is buying me an ipod touch. Right now I am using an ipod shuffle and I would really love to have the extra storage and all the apps. I’ll keep you updated!

What was I thinking?

Apparently I get an idea, run with it, and then ignore it for 4 months. Reading my last 2 posts, I feel like I must have been manic. Catching up! I went through some crazy family drama. My father and sister are no longer part of my life. It’s been 3 months and I feel a little bad about this but I don’t miss them. My dad doesn’t even bother attempting to contact me so I guess they don’t miss me either. Fortunately I still have my biological family that I am close to even if I’ve only known them a couple years now. Several friends went through cancer scares and surgery to remove tumors. All are recovering now and prognosis is good. Mental health didn’t remain so stable. I had one huge breakdown followed by a couple weeks of depressions, a new failed antidepressant and am now on a lose dose of a mood stabilizer and no antidepressant. It seems to be helping but I have a long way to go. I’m back to functioning though. I might be able to get Lasik in a few weeks so I am excited about that and vacation is in one month so I am really excited about that! Of course, always the pessimist, I am dreading the time after vacation when I feel like I will have nothing to look forward to. My weight has not changed, I am struggling just to maintain. It seems like no matter how well I plan, I can’t stop binge eating. Now, these binges aren’t as bad as they used to be, but they’re still a huge problem as I cannot lose weight with this happening. I am looking for a new therapist to help me get to the root of this. Many people say you cannot lose weight until you are truly doing it for you and that’s my problem. I do want to be healthier and I do want to feel and look better. BUT down deep, I don’t necessarily feel like I deserve it. I never do anything for myself. I have the worst self-esteem you can imagine. I’m truly hoping a new therapist can help me work through it and change that. You might notice some themes in the days to come. I’m going to try focusing on different topics to help me keep writing.