Southern Girl

I would call it a successful weekend trip since I’m already applying for jobs within 2 hours of my family (the biological one, not the adoptive one even though it would be closer to them too). I’ve always wanted a big family and I feel like I have one now. We’re not as close as we would be if I had known them longer, but it’s a process. I haven’t met everyone and I may not like everyone but I love those who I have met. I don’t mean to crush my adoptive family here though. I moved out of Alabama because of them (that’s a whole other post). But I feel like 1-2 hours would be a safe distance away to see them when I did want to without getting too close again. It was so nice too just being back in the south, appreciating my surroundings and the weather and people’s mannerisms. It was nice to sit on the front porch and visit for hours at a time, to cook and eat as a large group, to feel welcome and wanted. When I visit my adoptive family (and I did twice for short periods over the weekend) I am either ignored, vented to, whined to, expected to work or solve problems, or yelled at. I can’t stay away entirely because I love my nephew but I impose boundaries and stick to them.
Actually getting a job down there is more complicated. My husband has to be able to transfer to probably either Huntsville, AL or Tupelo, MS. And while he wants to be there, he’s worked hard where he is and it will be difficult and bittersweet for him if it’s even possible to do. I’m jumping the gun and that will probably scare him. Timing will be sensitive. I’ve told my husband I will be happy if we just make this happen in the next 5-10 years.
I feel good again, like I might have a bright future. Certainly doesn’t hurt it would be closer to Kelly’s family when they move in the next couple years too.

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Rollercoaster

Man is it crazy right now. I slept 10-3 last night, that was all I could do. I got up and worked out before my husband even got home from work (4:30am with the overtime). I was feeling good. Walked all over the place this morning. Then lunch. It was just leftover lasagna. I don’t think it was the food. Suddenly I’m tired, a little achy, and my allergies have hit hard. Good thing I get to leave early today. I have errands to run but then I’m trying to sleep 6pm-2am so we can get to Alabama by 9am. And then there’s that. My niece just had her baby last night, apparently it was a somewhat traumatic home birth. My brother-in-law wrecked his truck this week. My nephew is sick. Everyone is okay, I’m just worried about the level of tension. On the other hand, I can’t wait to see my family and introduce them to my husband and hopefully the halloween party is still on. I’m off Monday so I won’t be able to post again until Tuesday. I hope everyone has a great weekend 🙂

Progress Check

Well I ended up going to bed at 6pm the other night. Of course I got up so much that by the time my alarm went off, I had managed to get just over 8 hours of sleep. I feel much better though and the pain is even tolerable if I keep the advil handy.

So I lost 3lbs last week! Go me! I’m doing well at being consistent with my exercise. I’ve been mildly inconsistent with food but in moderation. I’ll have only eaten just over half my calories and get home starving. I can binge (although it’s not like the extent of previous binges) and still be in my calorie range. It’s a very unhealthy habit for me.

I’ll be out of town this weekend so this will be my first test at moderation while socializing. I think I can do it 🙂

Holding On

I woke up at 3:30am for the second day in a row. After going to the dentist again yesterday, my jaw is throbbing. Something has to give! I’m leaving early to go home and take advil and a nap. I know I won’t finish my exercise for the day or eat healthy tonight if I don’t get some relief.

Holding Steady

I still haven’t crashed. I’m beginning to think it’s possible that the Abilify is working and that the end of my last post was also a true breakthrough. I still can’t sleep well since starting the new med and I’m not too worried about it right now because I’m not overly tired. I’m just slightly worried the lack of sleep will eventually have negative effects such as causing tiredness and an increase in appetite. Otherwise I’m really doing quite well. My weight is starting to ease down the scale again. I really do have to do something about these pants as they almost fell down a few minutes ago walking down the hallway. That would be so embarrassing. I’m working out twice a day now in order to have time and it feels pretty good. I only got on the treadmill once on Saturday and took a break on Sunday. I’m not eating overly healthy foods but not bad for me either. It’s pretty moderate I guess and it’s the compromise I make for wanting to provide planned meals for myself and my husband. I’m really watching portion control and not eating until I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full. It takes a lot of focus and awareness for me but I’m doing it. And that itself is real progress.

When it rains…

It pours.

This morning started out great. My husband was tired and went to bed at 4 instead of 5 so I had more free time than usual. I was also more tired than usual as I’m still not used to getting up so early. My workout started out slower but I spent part of the time working harder than usual and worked out for longer so I felt really good about it. But then it started. My head hurt. I had cramps. My clothes weren’t comfortable. I think I fell asleep multiple times driving to work. One of the clinics called twice in the first 30 minutes in crisis mode. I forgot to make arrangements with my husband to use my car to pick up an exercise bike today to add to our growing gym. My work email crashed. My advisor for school sent an email being a b*tch. My washer is leaking and I was silly enough to check prices on buying a new one (ouch).

I walked down the hall, grabbed a coworker that I vent and gossip with (yes, I gossip, I’m not ashamed) and walked to Starbucks. A good talk, a few minutes away, a hot cup of coffee and things seem a little more manageable. I’m tackling things one at a time.

I was worried the crash was starting. That I would get overwhelmed and not be able to stop it. But you know what? Sometimes we just have rough days. And I’m really tired of being Negative Nellie when I’m actually doing pretty well.

Hooked on a feeling…

It’s something my mom always taught me that has been a huge part of my life. Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. Sometimes I feel like I have blinders on and can only see the negative side. I’ve been so focused on when I’m going to crash and how hard that I haven’t enjoyed myself for a minute even though I’ve been feeling better the last couple days. Sure, I might crash, probably will even. But I’ve dealt with it before. I’ll minimize the damage as much as I can. But maybe, just maybe, taking the edge off the first day slowed things down. Maybe the Abilify is starting to work. Maybe the new sleep schedule and increased exercise are helping. One can hope and I am now. With that out of the way I can enjoy the fact that I have to return a shirt that’s too big for the first time in my adult life, the fact that the scale finally went down a tiny bit more, and the fact I really do have to find smaller pants in my closet if I want to avoid a “wardrobe malfunction” of epic proportions. Oh yeah, and I got sexy new shoes. Something I haven’t worn in many years. It’s made me take the time to pick out a nice outfit, do my hair and wear makeup all week. It feels good, it makes me feel good, and I’m going to soak that up while I can. Yes, I’m prepared for the crash that MAY follow. But maybe it won’t.