Vicious Cycle

Maybe digging out was the wrong way to think of it. I felt weird last night, just off. I was somewhere between throwing that temper tantrum and being productive. I cooked, I did laundry. I did not exercise or clean. But maybe tonight. I feel the next round of mania coming on already. And while I’m glad I’m learning to recognize it early, I still don’t know what to do with it. I mean, sure, I enjoy it at first. But I don’t know how to manage it. I don’t know how to prevent the crash that always follows. I like to think that maybe I can find a way to use the mania to be really productive and then keep some of that momentum, let the mania fade. But it never fades. No, it turns around and stabs me in the back in the blink of an eye. And I still don’t understand why, I still haven’t found the trigger. So I will make the most of it, try to get ahead so I can relax a little when the crash comes. And when I see my psychiatrist and therapist again, I will beg for help. Again.

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