I was supposed to see my psychiatrist yesterday but I called and rescheduled since I’ve been so sick. Last time I saw her things weren’t going very well and we increased my Prozac from 20mg to 30mg per day. I can’t tell at this point if it’s helping or not. I certainly don’t feel good but I like to hope that’s more from being sick and that I will still bounce back. I was miffed honestly. Prior to that visit I had been on a stable dose for nearly a year and doing very well. Then suddenly things were really tough again. I looked back at my first blog entries and I could see the mood swings, the high highs and the low lows. It bothers me that I couldn’t see any of it happening, that I didn’t realize it. And then I found myself stuck at the lowest of the lows again. I still haven’t figured out what triggered all of it. A couple of my friends speculated that it was the anticipation of going to see my family. I didn’t feel like that was big enough to cause this. And sure enough, the trip was fine and there was no major change to my mood when I returned. I can pinpoint a lot of reasons why I am unhappy but none of them are new to my life. Part of the reason I want to lose weight is to have better mental health. I feel better when I eat better and when I exercise. And I think if I had less pain and was less tired, that it would certainly improve things. It’s like my primary care doctor telling me that I may be able to stop taking blood pressure medications after I lose another 15 lbs. I hope that eventually I can also take care of my mental health by being fit and caring for myself. The two are so entwined. It’s not just that my current physical state makes me feel bad about myself. It’s also that when I feel bad mentally/emotionally, I turn to food. It’s a way to numb my feelings. And it’s a vicious cycle. I’ve realized this will have to be much more than a weight loss blog because losing weight for me is so involved with the rest of my life. I only hope that I can keep this from becoming a negative space.