I’m off topic today for the most part but I feel like writing about my most pressing issue. I’m in a funk, a rut, a black hole, whatever you want to call it. And while I can guess at some of the reasons, none seem bad enough to cause this severe of a reaction.
Okay, I hate my job. I don’t really truly hate it, but I’ve figured out this is not the field for me. I’m bored out of my mind. I’ve lost any ambition I ever had. I’m getting by for now reminding myself of the perks but I’ll be losing some of those soon when my office is moved to another building (privacy, freedom, music). I can’t change jobs without taking a pay cut and we just can’t afford to do that right now.
I’m also going to see my family this weekend. Part of them, just the thought is exhausting (drama, all.the.time.). The other part, well it’s actually kind of nerve-wracking (I don’t know them well yet and have never seen them without other family around to make me feel more secure).
I find myself losing my motivation to cook healthy food, well, to cook at all really, and my motivation to work out. Okay, to be honest, I’ve lost all motivation to do anything but shop and even that is waning after two days of retail therapy that breaks the bank and makes me feel guilty.
I’m just down. Nothing has really changed, nothing seems like it should have this much of an effect on me. It’s like I’m burned out on life at the moment. Not suicidal or anything like that, I hope to never feel that way again. But that I just don’t care, don’t have the energy to care. I’ve got about enough energy to type this post.
The only good news is that I see my psychiatrist this afternoon. My medication has been stable for close to a year now so I doubt she’ll change anything until this funk is really worrisome to her or long term. But maybe it will help just to tell someone who understands that I’m struggling. Unfortunately, I don’t see my therapist until the 21st because I suck at making appointments when I should and then he doesn’t have any available. And yet, that’s partially by design lately. I don’t know if I’m just hitting a wall with him or if we somehow need to make a real change in direction or what. Sessions just haven’t been helpful for a little while now and it makes me feel like it’s a burden to go to them. And I could just say that to him but he would ask me what I wanted to focus on and I don’t have any idea honestly.
So that’s that. Maybe after typing it out here, I’ll be better able to explain it to my psychiatrist since we have a short appointment. That’s the best I can hope for at the moment.