Unbelievably, the company I interviewed with on Tuesday is checking my references this morning! I only hope they can come somewhat close to my current salary or my husband will veto the move.
Maybe digging out was the wrong way to think of it. I felt weird last night, just off. I was somewhere between throwing that temper tantrum and being productive. I cooked, I did laundry. I did not exercise or clean. But maybe tonight. I feel the next round of mania coming on already. And while I’m glad I’m learning to recognize it early, I still don’t know what to do with it. I mean, sure, I enjoy it at first. But I don’t know how to manage it. I don’t know how to prevent the crash that always follows. I like to think that maybe I can find a way to use the mania to be really productive and then keep some of that momentum, let the mania fade. But it never fades. No, it turns around and stabs me in the back in the blink of an eye. And I still don’t understand why, I still haven’t found the trigger. So I will make the most of it, try to get ahead so I can relax a little when the crash comes. And when I see my psychiatrist and therapist again, I will beg for help. Again.
Here I am, trying to dig out of this funk still. It’s like being lost in a snowdrift (probably more like quicksand). I didn’t go to therapy last week. I’m at the point where I don’t feel like it’s helping much. I don’t feel like the Prozac is helping much either. I’m just getting by, surviving. And yet, I have my moments where I try to take some kind of action to help myself when I have a little energy. Tomorrow that will come in the form of an interview. I suspect the job can’t come close to paying enough for me to leave my current one but I need to find out. And the interview practice can’t hurt since I’m looking. It’s just seems so odd to me to feel this bad when there’s not really anything wrong. I guess in the past I’ve always been able to point to so many sources of stress and things happening in my life. Right now there’s none of that. Nothing at all major to blame, to focus on, to work on. And not having something I can tackle leaves me feeling like I’m spinning my wheels. How do I pull out of this if I can’t figure out why it’s happening? I feel as if all I can do is manage the symptoms and try to get by. It’s exhausting. And most of the time I feel like a child throwing a temper tantrum on the inside. I want to throw myself on the floor and roll around and whine and cry. On the other hand, my dogs would join in the rolling and either cheer me up or hurt me.
I took my last antibiotic yesterday and I’m really feeling so much better than I was last week. Unfortunately I’m still tired and still coughing. But this week I’m dedicating myself to getting back on track. I want to be fully back into tracking everything I eat, eating a more balanced diet (chicken noodle soup just doesn’t cut it 3 meals a day), and working out, by the end of the week. I’ve been really frustrated with my husband because as much as compromise on what we cook so that it’s somewhat healthy/balanced for me but he’s willing to eat it, we’re still throwing out a crazy amount of leftovers every week. It’s wasteful and it’s not just the money that bothers me. He doesn’t seem to be bothered by it at all. Well, his mother spent Saturday with us and I had mentioned this to her. She was talking about how she asks friends to freeze their leftovers for her because she works three jobs and the most time she has to dedicate to cooking is microwaving a can of soup. Not bad, but the sodium doesn’t leave her feeling great either. So tonight I’m going to buy some containers to freeze our extra food in and package it up for her. She about an hour and a half away so I’ll have to make arrangements to see her about every other week or so. I feel so much better that I can quit wasting the food and help her out at the same time. And eventually, if my husband continues being so stubborn, I will cook for myself and my mother-in-law and let my husband fend for himself. After all, he clearly doesn’t appreciate the effort and I know that she will. I’m also kind of hoping that knowing someone else with health problems will be sharing my food, that it will help motivate me to make recipes healthier and more balanced and really think about what we need to fuel our bodies.
I was supposed to see my psychiatrist yesterday but I called and rescheduled since I’ve been so sick. Last time I saw her things weren’t going very well and we increased my Prozac from 20mg to 30mg per day. I can’t tell at this point if it’s helping or not. I certainly don’t feel good but I like to hope that’s more from being sick and that I will still bounce back. I was miffed honestly. Prior to that visit I had been on a stable dose for nearly a year and doing very well. Then suddenly things were really tough again. I looked back at my first blog entries and I could see the mood swings, the high highs and the low lows. It bothers me that I couldn’t see any of it happening, that I didn’t realize it. And then I found myself stuck at the lowest of the lows again. I still haven’t figured out what triggered all of it. A couple of my friends speculated that it was the anticipation of going to see my family. I didn’t feel like that was big enough to cause this. And sure enough, the trip was fine and there was no major change to my mood when I returned. I can pinpoint a lot of reasons why I am unhappy but none of them are new to my life. Part of the reason I want to lose weight is to have better mental health. I feel better when I eat better and when I exercise. And I think if I had less pain and was less tired, that it would certainly improve things. It’s like my primary care doctor telling me that I may be able to stop taking blood pressure medications after I lose another 15 lbs. I hope that eventually I can also take care of my mental health by being fit and caring for myself. The two are so entwined. It’s not just that my current physical state makes me feel bad about myself. It’s also that when I feel bad mentally/emotionally, I turn to food. It’s a way to numb my feelings. And it’s a vicious cycle. I’ve realized this will have to be much more than a weight loss blog because losing weight for me is so involved with the rest of my life. I only hope that I can keep this from becoming a negative space.
Like I said, Sunday I took my nephew with me to visit my biological family. It’s still a little awkward being around them and I’m not totally myself. My biological parents live there in separate homes, I have a full sister just down the road from them, a full brother, and like a dozen half-siblings I can barely keep track of plus all kinds of nieces and nephews and in-laws. This trip was the 3rd time I had met my sister, 2nd time for one my half-sisters, 3rd time I met my mother and 2nd time I met my father. I’ve met about half of the rest of them. I haven’t met or ever spoken to my brother because he’s in jail. The thing is, I have no desire to get to know my biological parents. I have (had) parents that I knew and loved and that raised me. I feel no connection to this set. I go to my sister’s house and everyone gathers there. My father just comes down to eat, sits around for a bit and leaves and that’s fine. My mother comes down and stays even later than me. And she stares at me. And I can barely understand her. And I really don’t know why but she makes me pretty uncomfortable. I feel like maybe I could relax with everyone else. I love and adore my sister. She tracked me down on Facebook last fall and we’ve kept in fairly close contact ever since. And her husband and 2 teenage boys are a lot of fun. She’s only 2 years older than I am. There’s always the questions about why my twin sister won’t come to visit. And I don’t know how to answer because I don’t understand why myself entirely. I mean, other than she has her head up her bum. Anyway we cooked out and just spent the day hanging out on the porch and in the yard, playing corn hole, talking and drinking. I had a good time and got much more comfortable with everyone except my mother. My nephew was so disappointed we couldn’t spend the night. I promised to take him to breakfast the next morning, just the two of us. When we left my sister hugged me and told me she loved me. It was so nice but a little odd for me too. My twin sister is nothing like that, she won’t let me hug her and she’s suspicious when I tell her I love her and usually just says “ok”. The next morning my dad was upset when I asked my nephew if he wanted to take his grandpa to breakfast with us and he said no. But I reminded my dad that my nephew doesn’t get much attention when there’s more people with us. When it’s just the two of us, he has 100% of my attention and isn’t told to be quiet. I got on the road at a decent hour. Three hours later my dad calls and says we have a problem. My nephew is crying and has been ever since I left. It broke my heart. He gave him the phone and I talked to him for a while and I just couldn’t seem to comfort him. Finally I promised that when I got home that night I would look at the calendar and figure out exactly when I could come back and call him so he would have a definite date to look forward to. And I did exactly that. Unfortunately it’s not until October 22nd and we’ll only manage to be in town about 36 hours but I confirmed plans with my dad, nephew and biological family too. My twin sister said she might go out of town that weekend so will be giving me permission to do anything I want with my nephew as long as I take responsibility the whole time I’m there so I’m sure we’ll have a good time. My husband will get to go this time too so I won’t have to miss him and he will get to meet some of my biological family for the very first time.
I certainly didn’t mean to go so long without a post. I was trying to catch up with things when I got back in town and before I knew it I was sick. SO sick. The doctor said it’s a virus, let it run it’s course, but seriously? I’ve missed 2 days of work and an entire weekend. I’m not cooking, not exercising, not even sleeping except a few hours here and there on the couch because I have to be sitting up. My chest is inflamed and breathing deep feels like I’m being stabbed. My voice is almost completely gone. Obviously my weight loss is stalled. I’m not eating much but I’m not moving at all. And I feel like crap because of it. I’m looking forward to getting back on the treadmill and doing lots of outdoor walking since the weather is so nice.
My trip was mostly a success. I arrived in time for dinner Friday and went out with my dad, sister, her boyfriend and her son. I told my dad the restaurant he was driving towards was a bad idea but he ignored me. My sister hated it as I knew she would and was in a bad mood the whole time. Saturday morning I got in a fight with my dad and we all took off for my nephew’s football game with us not on speaking terms. The upside was that I spent some time talking to my sister which never happens. We don’t see eye to eye on almost anything at all. They won the game and we headed home. I showered and took my time rejoining everyone because I knew my dad was still being mean and I didn’t want to make things worse. By the time I joined them, he was trying to be nice again and asked me to go to dinner with him and my nephew. We had lunch with my sister and her boyfriend at the house and all relaxed and hung out for a few hours. Then we headed out for a late dinner. Dad wouldn’t give me a chance to look up directions and we ended up on the phone trying to get help while yelling at each other because he wouldn’t stop driving long enough to find an address. Eventually we found the restaurant and calmed down. Dinner was very good and I think I liked the restaurant a lot more than my dad although he seemed pretty happy. We mis-communicated a lot and he spent most of the time complaining about my sister. We drove home and he went to bed. I read while my nephew watched a movie and fell asleep. There were a few hours Sunday morning where I desperately didn’t want to be there. I was in the worst of my funk, missing my husband, and my family was ignoring me. I couldn’t help wondering why I bothered to make the trip. I was in no mood to drive up to see my other (biological) family. Well, I decided to take my nephew with me. If anyone could keep me from feeling worse, it’s him. And I’m glad I went. I’ll have to continue this part of the story tomorrow as it gets complicated.